Changing Men

Why is it that women labour (and sometimes labour intently and intensely) under the delusion that they can change men? And complain into the bargain that it is such hard work?

I don't remember where I read or heard it, but "A man loves a woman for who she is. A woman loves a man for who she thinks he can be."

How can a woman agree to love a man no matter what--for better, for worse and all that--if she is forever trying to turn him into a different man?

Ladies, if he wants to change in some way, then by all means be helpful and supportive, but don't try to take over and turn him into a project. If he doesn't meet your expectations, he'll feel terrible, and then you are probably worse off than before any attempts at self-improvement. And remember, thanks to the tidal nature of female hormones, he already thinks you are to some degree unstable and/or crazy, and fear of/concern about your reaction might well lead him to be less than forthcoming about his own shortcomings or change of heart, mind or plans.

Sure, relationships are about compromise, but neither person should have to give up the things that are most important to him or her. You don't have to like everything about the person or share all of the same interests. After all, there are still two individual people in a given relationship, so be individual. Do things on your own.

If a relationship (and relationship) is going to work, the people involved have to be aware and accepting of one another's faults. (Don't I sound like the all-knowing guru today?) And the only real way (which ironically turns out to be by far the most difficult way) to actually resolve any sort of issue is to have a frank, open discussion. As a general rule, however, people are notoriously bad at effective communication. They would rather shoot their mouths off in some sort of public forum, talk to other people not directly involved, or write op-ed pieces in the New York Times.

Take poor Seymour, for example, whose plight is featured in Neil Gaiman's blog. His girlfriend, who "happens to be a devout Christian," caught him reading Good Omens in bed and was apparently so horrified and scandalized that she left him. Now, we only know a very little about this relationship, but I wondered about more than a few things. What is a "devout Christian" doing sleeping in a bed with a man who is not her husband? How have these two people gotten to the point of sleeping in the same bed without her knowing what sort of things he likes to read? Why has Seymour chosen to discuss this matter with the author of the book rather than the girlfriend who left him? Then there is my perennial question of why Christians, especially devout ones, aren't more tolerant and understanding in accordance with the teachings of the man they claim to follow.

In response, Mr. Gaiman had a few questions of his own: "Your girlfriend left you because she caught you reading Good Omens next to her in bed? And she left you because she's a "devout Christian"? Had she read Good Omens and not liked it and told you not to read it too, or is it just the sort of book that she'd leave a boyfriend over without actually reading?"

I can't imagine that finding out that her problems with her boyfriend are being discussed in a popular public forum will make Seymour's girlfriend more inclined to work out the problem, but that's just a hunch on my part.